journal

Its as if we live in different worlds

And I suppose we do in a way. Isn’t class as much a separator as language, religion? Hasn’t poverty and wealth become that thing which divides us? I think the culture of poverty is what divides mom from everyone else in life. That combined with mental illness. Its hard to tell. Has she seen London? … [Read more…]

Happiest Memories

It’s the question the therapist asks you when teaching you to create a safe space for yourself. “Close your eyes and remember the happiest and most content moment.” The first place I go is to the back of a horse; she was a part clydesdale part quarter horse mix. Gorgeous, bay, huge brown eyes and … [Read more…]

half way to midsummer

i was at my mom’s house in connecticut. extra toilet in the bathroom makes sense for girls that get ready together make-up and showering – doing girl stuff stairs were pulled out (silence) syd came to get me getting ready in my old high school bedroom finish up over at your place drove over to … [Read more…]

The thing with 40

For me, 40 seems so final. Where it was acceptable, expected even at 20, to flirt, pick up sailors during fleet week, find that doe-eyed honey at a rave, slip the coffee-slinging-cutie your number and where it was a little more awkward but still in the rulebook (cougar) during my 30s. Now? It’s officially over. … [Read more…]

Poverty and my mother

it’s not so very bleak. for 40 i will dress like a grown up at a cocktail and dinner party in my own house. i will surround myself with my very favorite people. i will put a costume bin outside the door so people can “put on a persona” before coming into the house. morning … [Read more…]

how do i feel about 40?

she asks me how i feel about turning 40. immediately there are tears in my eyes and the tightness at the back of my throat. i look down into my burger at the gym. what are the sentences i can formulate around that? – my life is half over and i’ve done fuck-all – my … [Read more…]

One hazy week before the flight

I had no idea what to do next. My mother was not in her room the first time I called. I called back to the nurse’s station through the hospital switchboard again, back to the cancer ward. Hearing it a second time somehow confirmed it in my brain. I explained who I was and asked … [Read more…]

new years part III

the evening is winding down, desert already finished (ice cream, chocolate sauce). the dogs established their order and played themselves out some time ago. now they are asleep. kala, of course, snoring in a chair in the corner. a row of people on the floor, feet sticking out, a row of people on the couch … [Read more…]