it’s not so very bleak. for 40 i will dress like a grown up at a cocktail and dinner party in my own house. i will surround myself with my very favorite people. i will put a costume bin outside the door so people can “put on a persona” before coming into the house. morning … [Read more…]
she asks me how i feel about turning 40. immediately there are tears in my eyes and the tightness at the back of my throat. i look down into my burger at the gym. what are the sentences i can formulate around that? – my life is half over and i’ve done fuck-all – my … [Read more…]
I had no idea what to do next. My mother was not in her room the first time I called. I called back to the nurse’s station through the hospital switchboard again, back to the cancer ward. Hearing it a second time somehow confirmed it in my brain. I explained who I was and asked … [Read more…]
the evening is winding down, desert already finished (ice cream, chocolate sauce). the dogs established their order and played themselves out some time ago. now they are asleep. kala, of course, snoring in a chair in the corner. a row of people on the floor, feet sticking out, a row of people on the couch … [Read more…]
it dawns on me that i haven’t done enough hiking in winter. surrounded by 100 ft tall cedar and listening to the wind in needles, clumps of snow falling to the ground, every once in awhile a branch cracks under the weight and i can imagine an avalanche nearby. kala is ahead w/ rudy, running … [Read more…]
I know that I’m irritable and angry, in part, because we’ve officially headed into the holidays. We hit Thanksgiving. I can feel it coming on like a bad cold: the tickle in the back of my throat the 2nd week of November, convincing myself I’m totally healthy I dive in wanting to bake for the … [Read more…]
I don’t remember a time I was ever this angry. I’m stomping, defiant, to work in the mornings. Vigilant at the dog park w/ Bean, waiting for any infraction, any sign of negligence, any excuse to start a war of words with another dog owner. I hear the neighbors in the garage by the washing … [Read more…]
I’m sorry I hung up on you Robin, I wanted to call back because I hate going to bed angry and upset, but it wasn’t going to do any good. I lost my cat this week, I’m exhausted from 2012 planning at work and emotionally drained. I put out an initial thought on how to … [Read more…]
i’m not over it yet – all those people that come and go. they take part, they love you, they share moments of my life and then they are gone along w/ the dorms, the cabins, the lakes, the flights, the classes… those people those places those faces they are gone. they inhabit my dreams … [Read more…]
a moment of peace, just one. maybe that is all i need in the morning to get my day moving. eyes shut, breath into my body exhale out the night before, breathe away the sleep to clear the way for the day not simply to happen, but to be experienced. consciously living the moments that … [Read more…]