she asks me how i feel about turning 40. immediately there are tears in my eyes and the tightness at the back of my throat. i look down into my burger at the gym. what are the sentences i can formulate around that?
– my life is half over and i’ve done fuck-all
– my life is half over and i have accomplished none of the things i thought i would; never had a child, never found my house with my wrap-around porch and the field behind it and the slow country lane winding around it, never owned my own horse; never been the creative powerhouse: writer singer actress songwriter sculptor that i assumed i would be; never slowed my life down to the pace i long for; who am i kidding? i hate this running around with plans every night; gym, love isabel, gym, mountain view… (why do i love mountain view so much? because there’s nothing that i have to do there. i go there and i’m obligated to nothing and no one.)
do i want to plant a garden? to be honest, i cannot see myself having the dedication to follow through on that one. i cannot manage to remember to water the plants i have. i love having plants around, but i cannot manage to keep them alive for very long. except the philodendrons. those are good for 40-year old, procrastinator
my life is half-over and i still have very little ambition to actually see things through until the end, somtimes even including my life.
i thought i would be of consequence. i thought i would have a lasting impact on people through my work. i am definitely not doing that today. i am having limited and sometimes ineffective impact on a few very cantankerous coders.
i had at least wanted, at 40 to be a gorgeous cougar-type or m.i.l.f but no. i’m a plump hippie with dreadlocks and no children who is exceptional in no way except my ability to perceive human temperament.
i am turning 40 and i have partied like a rock-star. i am turning 40 and i have sung on stage at Great American Music Hall and Yoshis. (well, yoshi’s side stage). i am turning 40 and i have recorded an album of original singer-songwriter creations with my best friend, i’m now working on my second with my best friend and husband. i am turning 40 and i have been to burning man and hiked the kalalau trail and the milford track. i have been to new zealand, south africa, thailand, laos and newfoundland. i have met fine people in all of these places.