Ding. Ding. “Twenty fifth floor. Going up.” They’ve installed this recorded voice in the elevator. It creeps me out. I hate it. “Twenty sixth floor. Going up.” At first it was extremely unsettling. I don’t think anyone actually notices it at this point. He asked me to move in with him. I had my second … [Read more…]
I stand in this elevator. I ride the train in the morning and stand in this elevator, waiting as I pass thirty-four floors. Lift off. One, two. The elevator dings as it slides by each floor. This is life as it is. This is my morning, the beginning to all of my days. Three, four… … [Read more…]
They remade “Blue Lagoon”. Perhaps you were one of the fortunate few who caught it. It is possible you managed to see the first one. I did not. I was a few years shy of womanhood and still sucking my thumb. I stand in this elevator. I ride the train in the morning and stand … [Read more…]
11/9/97 ok. so my last day at mad river has come and gone, I have had two interviews and am poor as shit and I refuse to think about it. I paid rent I paid bills. so I’m broke on my own. Not on someone else. I finished on the 27th and went down to … [Read more…]
10/31/97 hey there. halloween and i’m alone. and judging myself again for my writing… what is it with me and critiquing my fucking journal for crying out loud. my fingers move over the keypad in a drunken stupor and i need cigarettes. rocky horror picture show is on the tellie.. ugh, i have no energy. … [Read more…]
10/23/97 Therapy. And I was there. That’s what he said. “Wait a minute, I don’t like to interupt, but I have to get this in. You were there. You do have your own past.” Was I invisible? Is that it? Is that what I’ve been feeling this whole time? None of this is mine. That’s … [Read more…]
10/21/97 To say what then? I can’t remeber what it was I was supposed to be pondering all week long in terms of therapy. What I’ve ended up pondering is always the same. I end up walking home from work at night imagining up a conversation with him. him. you know, that man that is … [Read more…]
For Daddy. Sit down, sit deeply into me and wait for I have only begun the fight as it needs to be. I have been waiting confrontation in finality fantasies can no longer exist this has now become reality the only thing which cannot be changed. My god, my demon I have fought you for … [Read more…]
D—-, you’re dangerous. This seems dangerous. But it’s not. My wife and I have an understanding. Then why will neither of us sit this way unless we’ve been drinking? That has nothing to do with F——. It was a good point. It didn’t. In the house it seemed there were no human sounds at all. … [Read more…]
how is it I have been here eleven months already? i still don’t think of myself as a californian. and i want to go home. more than that, i just want to be home. i want to wake up knowing i am somewhere i belong. that my family is close by. yet, if i went … [Read more…]