May 28th, 6:33am from Joel
It’s been a while (many years) that I’ve thought of doing this. I didn’t know if it would be something that you’d want to get. I’d love to be eloquent here, but it would mask the hard truth of it. I was an unmitigated asshole to you in high school. For no reason, for no purpose. This is an apology, if that is even conceivable given the magnitude of it all. I don’t seek forgiveness, strangely enough I don’t believe in it. We are the sum total of our experiences and our actions. Forgiveness for something you’ve done wrong to someone is only seeking to relieve yourself of the weight of it. I don’t seek that. Who I was back then, to you especially, is something I’ve used a great deal to become who I am today, and more importantly who my kids are. I’ve been honest with them, told them about it. I’ve made sure that they know the correct way to treat others, and to go so far as to come to someone’s defense if they are being treated poorly. Something that seems to come up sometimes hanging out with friends is the old “Knowing what you know now, would you go back and do it all over?” Funny, it seems most people say they wouldn’t. Some say they would because of whatever reason they think they would get a step up. I always say definitely, but it’s only so I could change how I chose to treat others and especially you. I hope that your life so far has lead you to wonderful places and continues to do so. I’ve no excuses, not even any reasons. It was all completely unwarranted and unfair to you. I’m sorry.
============================
You weren’t just a bully – vandalism, breaking and entering, stalking… what you did was illegal you mother fucking dirtbag.
I survived, but my sense of triumph has little to do with you.
Do you have any idea what I was dealing with back then?
– homelessness / extreme poverty
– the loss of my sibling and father
– raising my mentally unstable and abusive parent
You were the least of my concerns. Your actions ensured I would be even more isolated than I already was, that I would be even less likely to reach out for help. But I was already pretty hard-coded to independence.
I do regret the loss of a few potential friends, who you turned against me. But the people who chose to love me, loved me even more fiercely because of your actions and still love me today. They’ve given me away at my wedding, named their children after me, called me monthly from tours in Afghanistan and Iraq. They’ve relied on our friendship through the loss of loved ones, through divorce, asked for my help with resumes and job counseling. I’ve flown across the country to pull them out of abusive situations, or help them clean out their house after the death of a partner. I’m a loyal and dedicated, lifelong friend. It’s your loss dude.
I think about you occasionally, and as much as you don’t believe in forgiveness, I don’t believe people change. I’ve wondered if the only responsible thing to do is call social services for the sake of the safety of your children. You’re a danger to them regardless what you’ve told yourself. All you’ve shown them is that you can be, at your core, a horrible human being and never have to pay for it. I wish them the best, but as for you, someday there will be a reckoning and I rest assured knowing you’ll burn in hell.
