I woke this morning with the nagging feeling that I’d asked that question. Through one Moscow Mule and two glasses of sake I may have actually asked my late 30-something, 40-something friends why they have no children. What I properly meant to say, just in case I didn’t articulate more accurately at the time, was “How, despite all cultural, familial, filial efforts to the contrary, had you resolved in yourself the decision not to have children? Was there any argument, and if so, how did you put it to rest?” As someone who’s pretty close to it myself, I’m interested in the arrival at the conclusion.
I now recognize the presupposition in my question. My feelings are truly ambivalent. I long to be a mother. I’m loathe to be a mother. Both of these exist. And I’m trying to satisfy and at the same time silence one and let the other have it’s way with my libido, my lifestyle, my relationship, my ego. As this conflict rages in me, taking up a majority of my mental energy, I just assumed that it would take up the same space for anyone having already made the decision. And of course that is not the case.
Some people know what they know. Some people feel certainties and are able to act on them.
And I wonder, on a regular basis, what choices my life will now present me. Well, what the fuck am I going to do instead? I’m looking down this road that I have chosen and it seems so dull. Yet I’ve no idea what to do instead. I’ve still, at the age of 42, no idea what makes me happy. What activity I’m supposed to be doing. I could take up my time with motherhood, but you and I both know I’d end up abusive and hated.
How I might explain myself to others. Not that I feel I must explain myself to others, I don’t. But I do want to feel I can articulate and answer with clarity the questions of society and family that are buzzing on repeat in my own head at least.
• Why on earth not?
• What will you do with yourself?
• What if you regret it?
• What does your mother, grandmother, family say?
• I’m sure you think that now, but will you think that in 10 years?
• Won’t you be lonely? Who will take care of you?
• That’s so selfish!
• Well you know I was looking forward to being a grandmother someday.
Talking with Erin O’Leary about this was great – a few gems from that conversation.
– On the point of being tied and committed to this person for the rest of your life: You know, I spent the better part of my first 20 years raising someone else. I think I’ve put in my time already. Raising my mother is exhausting and I’m never really done doing it. She’s so much emotional energy and we’re not even under the same roof anymore. Why would I take on another human being?
Imagine what the world would be like if women got to put their energy out there into the world and not directed more or less exclusively at their tiny humans? The world would look like a pretty different place. So what is it I want to do with my energy?
The thought of trying to conjure up some major contribution exhausts me already.