3/24/99
wow am i fickle. i write about men one after the other, and at this point, no matter how much they mean to me, they all seem so temporary. to keep you posted, i’m with jonathan again. ian and i had a passive aggressive weekend. you can laugh now if you want to, but i hadn’t realized that i am passive aggressive. i hadn’t realized that all this testing and pushing away, and taking rejection to heart (even when i was looking for a way out to begin with) i hadn’t realized that this is what they call passive aggressive.
putting on my shoes in ian’s apartment, after he’s asked me if i wanted to stay, saying no, i just dropped by. don’t mean to disturb you. i’ll go. knowing i’m waiting for this fight we’re about to have. heading to the door, finding something to start with. “you know… the other night…” wanting to run away from the fight, but knowing that it has to be had. i have to learn how to ask for what i want, how to respect that what others want may or may not be something i can give. i’m just never sure.
at any rate, we’re over. and i can’t say how disappointed part of me feels that all that he promised wasn’t true. or is it that i wasn’t the person he thought he saw. i wanted him to be right. but i knew from the start he wasn’t . but we’d have never come to know each other. never become friends.
i would have never walked out on jonathan. that night after sushi. a wonderful sushi dinner, and feeling like i was home, like i feel every time i’m with him. (not so much recently, it’ll take awhile, i think, for jonathan and i to fall into the our pattern again, and probably, this time, it will be very different. i don’t know much about how i feel about him. i know after all this time, there have been very few mornings that i don’t want to wake up next to him. very few nights when i don’t want his “substantial” self next to me keeping me warm. he is so calm. even when he is upset, i can barely tell. i have to mention that to him. let him know that he can’t rely onme to guess, that it’s safe to be honest with me, that he’s so reserved, i don’t want to lose his needs.
his needs. now that we’re equal. he mentioned that actually. after i left him that night, i guess it was three weeks ago now… “please stay” “no, i can’t. i’ll end up in the same place i was in before.” after i left him, feeling like all was equal. like we’d played out that final retaliation that i needed to play. and not knowing if i was coming back to him or not, he broke up with the 3000 mile relationship, for himself. and here we are now. the only thing i’ve left to think is that it has to be this way. i never envisioned it otherwise. now it sits right.