1/16/99
had to arrange the formulation of a plan. we must be together for new years. to realize in one moment with rebecca sitting across from me that we’d never been in the same room together. to realize that in the book i’m working on, neither had our characters. rebecca, me, shalini and kyra. i don’t think we’ve ever been in the same room together. if we were it was at packards.
no, that’s wrong, oh my god, graduation. but maybe that doesn’t count. because it was a full on blood relation event. wow. hmm.
went to a house party last night. friends came up from la la land. they were interesting. though will i ever be old enough to not have to worry that someone in the group isn’t 21? do i care? though she really was stunning to look at, and a very wonderful girl from what i could tell. tonya. the kind of girl i still find myself attracted to. whad’ya know.
had a talk with ian the other night about our sex. the sex that we have, or rather, don’t have. ok, first off, he hasn’t had sober sex in quite a while. and let me say, arousal issues? i can’t ever tell if he’s turned on, because he needs so much physical impetus to be hard. it’s really difficult for me to gauge. secondly, i had no idea how angry i was. that i felt he forced me out of my relationship with jonathan. so much of me wishes that jonathan and i had been left alone on our own path with things. i wonder what would have grown. i had the same anger towards ian that i felt towards juanita for interfering. for letting her opinion be so damned well known. like she had any right to say at all. guess that serves me right for yelling at her man, or was that after she had said shit about jonathan? that is one thing, and it will never happen again, i really hate it when any of my friends assume that they matter that much. i suppose that’s a good thing.
but anyway, back to my angel, my iwam (i want a monkey). i didn’t realize how much i sabotaged our sex. and i didn’t realize how many hang-ups he has around it all. performance issues etc. “that wasn’t too awful was it?” clearly i don’t let him know how attractive he is to me. or maybe i’ve grown used to him already? at any rate… i feel like he’s mad at me. for not finding in him a fabulous lover. but what am i supposed to do after jonathan? i don’t know that i’ll ever find that again. truly. i wonder. and i really appreciate sex. not oral sex, not fingering (though god knows i enjoy all that immensely). but sex, god, sex. making love to someone. and not being able to with ian. him not being able to stay hard in me, not being able to use a condom. you know i feel really shitty saying it, but i won’t stick around if it takes much longer. not because i don’t love him, not that i mean to be a horrible person, but because i know myself and it’s simply true. am i disappointed? it just seems like a fact of me.
ok. i’m going to try and call him now. god knows i’d be mad at me after some of the things i said about the sex we don’t have. i hope i didn’t cause any permanent damage. at least to us. but we’ll see.
iwam. ian. angel.