5/2/98
it rains and i am happy.
harder rain than it has in years
clears my mind of all that clutters
and lurks.
i hear every drop as i touch every muscle.
i am no longer ignorant of what i feel.
inside i know things move.
i’ve never watched before
the flow emerging
never bitterly regretted the blood
that comes so naturally to us.
when it stopped i missed it
now that it’s here
i know this is over.
and i breathe
expecting relief.
not prepared to feel my loss.
i grieve.
the sun seems out of place
i know it is healthy
i should take advantage.
but i have never before been so tired
drained of every emotion.
my body could and will continue on
but it is almost respect now to be still.
respect that i owe for the choice
i have made. the control that i took
upon myself.
i know some view it as a weapon.
i did not intend to kill.
i would to god this life was different
just this one life and
i could have made room.
somewhere love is enough, but
that place is not here
and i am not ready.
you chose me.
and i am honored.
but i cannot have you.
please go.
i hope to meet you on the street someday
in the rain, in the sun
maybe your hair will fall wet on your face
and i only pray i recognize your soul.