I miss the man in my bed. That random man that I didn’t pick up last night at U—‘s party. We’d met at several of U—‘s parties over the last few years. He’s a friend of an old coworker of mine. Surfer guy. Incredibly good looking, and broad chested, and smooth headed, and GOD he’s hot. He was always dating someone, I don’t ever remember meeting her. Just as well, because he’s done with that now. He mentioned being disappointed that I was engaged, he’d always hoped to run into me when the timing was right. I was disappointed to be off the market. The Me That Was would have taken him up on that. Laid on the charm, the eyes, the subtle physical closeness. Even if he already knew he would be leaving the party with me, still the flirtation game was relevant. It led directly into the anticipation game.
I miss me. I used to be so good at that. Stepping just inside the acceptable personal space line. Measuring with my physical senses exactly where the electricity began. Playing with the distance between two hands, arms, torsos, lips. Creating a way to have to, I mean, excuse me, but I absolutely must tell you this, lean in and say something in his ear. So similar in feel and intent to the moment just before the kiss.
I feel like I must say goodbye to her. So many years I’ve been the incorrigible flirt, enjoying my explorations with women and with men, enjoying the feel of my breath and my heart catching in my chest. Enjoying the game and the play and the fun of it all. Falling in love with everyone. Girls, boys, anyone new. Striking up an infatuation with any new person who catches my eye, my attention, my fancy. Now that is stifled. It’s done. I have to admit I’m fighting against it. I woke this morning with tears in my eyes because I miss it.
This person that I’ve longed for all my life, the person I feel like I’ve consciously searched for, is here. I’ve said yes. He is mine I am his and where is the need for flirting? If there is a need for flirting, will I hurt him by doing it with other people? (Will I hurt myself?) Where is the room for my sexual playful nature? Where is there room for me to fall in love with each new person, for infatuation?
My question is, can I bring my flirtatious, playful, flitting-around-the-gathering self with us, with me, as I enter into this new life and my new uncharted identity as Mrs. G—? Now I understand the good friends I lost to marriage and relationship over time. The ones I’ve always cursed for getting involved with someone and losing all old acquaintances who had any role tangent to their sex lives. Now I understand, going into a marriage, you have to lose all that. Or find a way to re-direct it, re-channel it, re-focus it, or simply re-define it. But Shit, how do I start?