and as soon as i sit down to type all the words fly out of my head. they need to fly out of my fingers dammit! i need to see everything within flow out – picture myself vomiting creativity – 40 years of bingeing and everything just waiting to come out.
i’m becoming more and more aware of a feeling in my core – a nausea, an unease, a restlessness. there is something i need to say and i have lost my craft. potentially half way into my life and definitely that sad realization that i am just passing the time. that i have not created what i was meant to create. where did it go? that feeling that i was supposed to do something, be something? i had a destiny once. now, i have prozac. and all my urgency is gone.
you’d think that the urgency would grow greater as time moved on. however, in truth, the urgency dulls. and the passage of time becomes a lulling, rocking, ocean putting me to sleep.
such great heights.