It’s funny how life brings me back again to check myself. How all the people who are important to me come back. Or are they important to me because they come back? I am on the phone with Pele. Again. It hasn’t changed We go on, as we always do, talking ourselves through life. All the unexpected shit that happens as soon as your back is turned. It just comes over and hits you on the head. All of a sudden you find yourself with a life you never thought you’d be leading, faced with a person you never thought you’d become. And you know it’s you, but it can’t be. You look in the mirror and see someone you haven’t met yet.
How many attempts do I get at my first novel? How many tries before I can no longer call myself a writer? How many thoughts will I have before one will stick long enough for me to make sense of it. well, they make sense in the beginning, and then somehow, through mulling over the words or getting hella stoned the point i was getting to doesn’t seem like the right one after all.
I know I remember the feel of her curls around my fingers. I remember her head, peering around the corner of my door which she had pushed open. i can hear her voice. how much clearer it was than those of her parents screaming in the kitchen downstairs.
“Claytin, need you.”
The shaft of light coming through the doorway spread wider. “Claytin.” the shape of her small body running long up the floor and bending alone up my wall. the silhouette of those curls on the folds of my bathrobe. a trembling shadow the backdrop to her darker face.
“Come here Cari. Close the door.” i leaned up, my arms reached out for her as she crawled up my bed circling around her and lifting her onto my lap, holding her while she cried into my chest. why was i responsible for all this?
i laid back down and covered us both with her mother’s feather comforter. we drifted back toward sleep and i remember dreaming about the wet n my flannel shirt, that it would be dry when i woke up. it was somewhere in those moments when i changed. Somewhere in those touches when i think i realized i was going to leave.
the sun beamed into the window. cari was breathing next to my ear, her arms still wrapped around my neck. i heard tadi on her top bunk, talking to her dolls. there were some thuds as she dropped some books- pulling one down to read. all was silent then and i could picture her laying back into her pillow, only recently smaller than she. she was staring into an illustration. looking deep into the characters on the page, maybe this time it was cinderella in her dress or snow white and prince charming on his horse. she was wearing her sleeping beauty nightgown, torn and grey from being worn through the playground, to preschool, outside on the small beach behind the house. torn from where she had stepped on it and stretched it out. tiring the fabric until it tore around her big toe. it didn’t fit her anymore. it was taut around her torso, the buttons had started to come off. it had been too big when she got it for hanukah.
“claytin? is the wind changing?” i suddenly realized the eggs boiling in the water on the stove. the timer continued to ring as i understood what tadi was asking me. i immediately wished the spoon in my hand was a cigarette. i couldn’t inhale. i couldn’t turn to face her. she was gazing at me steadily, i knew, with the psychic face of a child, waiting for my answer. i could see her there behind me, all skinny and light in her too-tight nightie, her toe stuck through one of the holes, playing with it, pulling on it. spoon in one hand anticipating the soft boiled eggs now slightly overcooked. they both loved boiled eggs. maybe it’s a kid thing. cracking open the shell, smashing in the top, watching the bright yellow swim onto the plate. i put tadi’s egg in an egg cup. i put cari’s shell-less and naked in a bowl. i brought them to the table and sat down with my coffee. tadi’s gaze still held steady. she was so patient waiting for me to catch up to her. she could wait in silence a long time when she knew the answer was important.
“Tad..I..” i can’t lie to this little girl. what kind of example would I be if i lied when it was hardest to be honest. “tadi..”
“Are you leaving soon?” here she was, this four year old seer, speaking words i had not yet identified, yet formed.
“Yes tadi. i am”
“When?”
“Soon.”
“Why?”
“Honey, i have to go.” i spoke slowly. my head pulsed.
“Why? Why can’t you stay with us?”
“Because I have things i need to do todd, and i can’t do them here.”
“Do you love us?”
“Yes tadi. Very very much. I am not leaving because of you. I’m leaving because of me. there is someone i have to find.” was it me? who was it i would look for?
“Is that what it means when the wind changes?”
“That’s what it means for me tadi.” i leaned over and kissed her on the forehead. i kept my lips there for a second, feeling the silk of her hair.
Cari was deep in her egg, the yolk running down her fingers as she struggled determinedly to use her spoon.
“Cari, with this you can use your fingers if you want to.” she squished the egg in her fist and jammed the whole thing in her mouth.
“Mo’ egg claytin. mo’ egg.” i looked at her with expectation.
“Peeeaaase?”
“Y’know cari? i didn’t make more egg. would you like a pickle?”
“Pickoo?” she bobbed her yellow runny curls up and down. i got the crock of pickles from the fridge and put one on her plate.
“You too todd?” she nodded contemplatively with her mouth full. I looked at the pickles in the jar.
“what is it todd?”
“do i go to ballet today?”
“yes tadi”
“fiyuh?” cari looked up from her pickle. fire, what was fire to her while tadi was at ballet lessons? The first day while tadi was at class. cari and i had watched the glass blowers in the artisan building down the street. Todd was all about the pink and frilly. she kept asking for ballet lessons. S—-, her mother, was as skeptical as the rest of us. tadi might be too young, might lose interest… Her class was on the second floor of an old mill building. tadi stopped at the bottom stair. She turned to me.
“YOu can go now.” She waited patiently in her leotard and tights for me to go. “I can go upstairs by myself.”
“Ok. go ahead todd. have fun.” She turned away, and climbed the stairs in her leotard and tights. Her pink rubber snow boots with the not-so-white fur, one hand on the banister the other holding her “magic slippers” that helped her dance. Her knees came up high, at an angle in order for her to reach the next step. i saw her at once older. her body growing gangly and awkward. tossing her hair as an arrogant teenager. flashing her honest eyes that still seemed only to read the truth. And as she turned the corner i saw her as an adult. certain, sure of herself and of her beauty, creative and silent, inventing thoughts in her mind of which precious few would ever hear. The hallway was clear. I felt again cari take my hand.
cari was mesmerized by the glassblowing. the fires, the bright colored bubbles that the men were blowing into. she got as close as i would let her, as close as the counter would allow. maybe the consant twirling and motion captured her. it was the first thing like herself she’d ever seen.
my coffee spun in it’s cup in front of me.
“Fiyuh claytin?” cari had licked her plate clean.
“we can see the fires today while tadi’s in class. we’ll go see the fires.”
“Is it time for class yet claytin?”
“NO cari. class isn’t until after lunch. we’re eating breakfast. Are you still hungry?” cari slipped her head to the side and knit her eyebrows.
“How long?” she was beginning to wrestle with the concept of time. I couldn’t really explain it to her.
“I’ll let you know todd. right now you can play, or get dressed, both maybe?”
“Um…No. I want to wear sleeping beauty.” she hopped down and pushed her chair in with her shoulder. she brought her plate to the sink. I remembered when she didn’t know to clear her place at the table. or maybe it had been my choice. i didn’t want her to drop anything, so i didn’t ask her to. i can’t remember th first time she cleared her place on her own, it just happened. along with everything alse that i barely noticed because they had seemed so base. so natural.
“Thank you todd.” i looked out the window over the sink. it was beautiful and deceptive. even when it was this sunny, it was freezing cold. to your bones cold. the kids and i would once again be inside for the day. cari turned onto her tummy, her feet stretching trying to reach the floor. she whimpered.
“claytin..”
“Cari, the floor is right beneath you. go ahead, it’s ok.” she shrieked in frustration and i put my hand on her back. “It’s ok cari. put your feet on the floor.” She took the jump and looked up to the table where her plate was. “Please finish your pickle cari.” her fingers seized the green stub. the other hand grabbed the plate. the fork fell on the floor with some leftover egg yolk. she tried to put the plate on the counter, it fell backward onto the floor.
“would you like help?” she ignored my question. she lifted it up and this time flipped it over the edge of the sink. she turned to me, eyebrows raised.
“good job sweetie. would you help me clean up the eg on the floor?” i handed her some paper towel. she wiped awkwardly over the wooden floor, managing, if anything, to rub it in further.
“That’s a good job dear heart. let’s clean up you.” she tried to dart. “uh uhn. get over here silly. you’re covered in your breakfast.” i wiped off her face as she tried to shirk away, managing to hold onto one hand while getting it clean, then the other.
“Up! Upstairs with you!” todd was shouting across the room from the stairwell. “The princess of the forest requests your attendance!” cari looked at her sister. “Cari!… Cari!!” cari ran across the floor, light-footed, and quiet. I followed her and watched her butt as it made it’s way upstairs. I went back to the kitchen and wiped off the table, loaded the dishwasher. I made another cup of coffee. Their voices drifted down to me, shouting and laughing… “No cari! don’t touch my dolls! here, play with this.” the espresso pot started gurgling on the stove.
“Bonnie, we need to talk.” Stacy stood with her arms spread out on the butcher block counter.
“Oh? What?” Bonnie tossed her long curls and crossed her arms. “Well?” Stacy tooka a deep breath and spoke calmly.
“For 10 years now, you’ve been using my espresso to make your coffee.” I sat at the table and looked into my cup.
“Bonnie, do you know how much of my coffee it takes to make coffee in your melita?” there was a silence. “Every time I reach into the cupboard, my coffee is gone.”
“Fine. Fine.” bonnie picked up a plate off the pile on the counter, and starteed to fill it with dinner. “Fine. I will no longer use your coffee.” She icked up a fork and the salt and pepper, and marched to the other table at the end of the room. Her fork stabbed into her plate. Stacy stood motionless, in the same position against the butcher block. I looked into my mug of coffee made with a melita filter, and the espresso grind. Stacy took a breath.
“bonnie, I can see this is still as issue for you.”
“Oh my god. Can i even eat a meal in peace?” She got up and stomped to the mudroom door.
“I’m going to eat with my cats.” she slammed the door behind her. With that stacy picked up a plate and filled it with potatoes and meat. She sat down across from me at the kitchen table. I looked up from my coffee.
“Stacy?”
“Hm?” She chewed on a mouthful of food.
“Um.. I’ve been..I mean.. It isn’t just Bonbnie who’s been using your coffee.” Stacy swallowed and took a drink of water.
“Oh. I know.” A smile slowly grew on her face. “Don’t worry about it.” Grodski, Stacy’s dog, turned over on the leather couch. Kicking his feet in doggie dreams. “Lazy dog. You have to keep him if you ever leave.”
what is a healthy relationship between adults anyway? and how was i to know? what example of it have i ever had? in all m y life?
It was alright then, with the espresso pot boiling over on the stove. the smell was familiar even if the feeling wasn’t. i just remember this huge well open up in my stomach. i was already saying goodbye. i had told no one yet that i was leaving. i looked at the phone.
“thank you for calling southwest. how can i help you today?”
“i’d like to know about flights to san francisco.”
“For what day?” waht day? it seemed as though i answered her normally. as if i had been planning this trip for months.
“this coming thursday, february 22nd.”
I had to leave. i began to see somethinf i wanted. something i oculd envision forever. and it wasn’t mine. it wasn’t my dream. nothing ihad started would ever be finished or so it seemed then. you’ve no idea how mush i loved you all. how much i wanted that to be my dream too. but even if… would you have accepted me? would you have taken me in?
“Well we don’t fly into san francisco, but we’ll fly you into oakland.”
“And how much will that be?”
“is this a round trip ticket?” god. oh god. i don’t know how i managed not to even think then, not to hesitate that way i hesitate even now, to give the same response.
“no. no. one way please.”
“ok. that’ll be 194.00 plus airport tax..” my last paycheck really.. “that comes to 215.00 altogether. will you be paying now?”
“yes, um, no…darn, my wallet is upstairs.” i laughed aloud at myself, trying to be casusal.
“let me give you a reservation number, and you can call in with your credit card up to the day of departure.”
“thank you, that would be great.”
Felicia swung open the door. the wrought iron handle banged against the wall behind it.
“good morning!” the sardonic cheerfulness. the glint in her eye. “coffee made?”
“Yup. right here.”
“what do you want to do today? i was thinking if it stays clear, we could take the kids to kidsports. we can pack up lunch and head out, be gone for the day.”
“Did you talk to Stay this morning?”
“Yeah. She called. She’s in her office. She wants us to take the kids out.” well that leaves choices.
“so you know what’s going on?”
“i don’t know. david was here all night again. he didn’t come home.”
“Gwido called this morning.”
“what did he say?”
“She was still asleep. he didn‘t want to disturb her.”
“hm.” felicia had come around the counter and was leaning into the fridge, more for the wieght of her belly than from hunger. “What did you guys have for breakfast?”
“soft boiled eggs and pickles?” i laughed at that. pretty hard. felicia looked at me.
“what?”
“what american family eats pickles and soft boiled eggs for breakfast?” felicia shrugged and dove into the crock of pickles. there was a time when i didn’t know really what a pickle was. in everyday existence i mean. sure at holidays, easter, the little bread and butter pickles in the imitation crystal dish. a side dish to a sandwich at any decent deli. “I guess we do.” i turned toward the sink and looked out into the driveway. it was cold. there was ice on the windshield of the jeep. why do you cry when i touch you? because it’s hard. it’s hard for me to let you touch me. do you not want me to ? no, no i do. i love it. that’s why i’m crying. because you hold me so close. i have to fix this.
“Could you watch the midgets while i have a smoke?”
“Sure. I’ll be upstairs.” Felicia’s pregnant body closed the refridgerator and moved out from around the counter. she still managed to where her thick heeled boots, though. at least an inch off the ground. I shook my head.
The mudroom was enough to amke any new englander green with envy. huge and spacious, with hooks on every wall, boot jacks and a large tool box which doubled as a bench. piles of crocks where the sand and salt were kept. A woodstove in the corner, always relatively warm, around which boots were lined, piled over with mittens and hats. scarves hanging on the hooks behind the stove, waiting and warm. the workroom was off this mudroom. I headed for it’s door, knowing gene would be on the other side, about ready for a smoke break. It stuck as I tried to pull it open. It gave a large creak. I turned to watch gene step down off the ladder. He reached into his front pocket for a cigarette.
“Good mornin.”
“Morning Gene.”
“How’s life in the house today?” I sat down on an overturned nail bucket.
“It’s ok I guess. It’s cold out though.”
“Yup.” Gene picked sat on a pile of 2x4s. He twirled the hammer around in his hands, surveying the work he had done. The shed was actually almost a room now. A part of the house. Only the molding was left. Gene put the cigarette to his lips. His fingers were past bleeding. They had been hardened. By the cold, by ax handles and hammers. By jump starting his pickup on the mornings and loading people into ambulances in the middle of a -10 degree night. Seeing his hands was always such a relief to me. Something I recognized, understood. Hands that looked like my Papa Searles’ hands. The callouses and tears in his fingers always meant love to me.
It had been warm that day. The kids were with me outside, Felicia was teaching a class, so I had Zach and Odgy along with the two girls. Tadea was the oldest. Sometimes it took it’s toll on her. The others were still so physical.
“C’mon.. let’s climb into the castle.” Cariel and Odgy would take steps up the ladder. Odgy waiting impatiently as cariel did her best beween ladder rungs. “Zachary, you too.” I looked at Tadi. She huffed alittle, but acknowledged he was too small. I looked at his saggy pants as he looked upwards into the play structure, wanting to go up, not being big enough. He winced, his face crinkling up into a whine, his body bounced up and down infrustration.
“Cariel, you are the carrier of the wand today. Odgy you will be my royal servant.” Odgy was already climbing across the rope netting that connected the treehouse to the slide. “Odgy!”
“No tadea, I’m sliding now.” Tadi sat down in a heap and pouted. She eyed her sister, measuring Cariel’s attention.
“Cariel, hand me the wand.” Tadea used her regal voice. The accent miraculously becoming british. Cariel was looking over her shoulder at Odgy’s head disappearing over the edge of the slide. She picked herself up and headed torward the same fall.
“cariel! cariel!” Tadea stood up, then sat down again. She put her hands in her lap. “You know good little girls always..” her voice trailed off as Cariel slid down the slide and into my arms. Odgy kicked the yellow ball across the back yard, and Cariel was off like a shot. Zach took a few running steps, then tripped. He sat back up on the grass. tadea still sat, cross and gloomy, atop her imagined throne.
“Caitlin? May I go inside and read?”
“Sure Todd. Do you want to bring some books out here, and stay with us?”
“No, I want to take care of my dolls.”
“Will you be in your bedroom?”
“Yes.” I never doubted her word, there was never going to be a reason to.
“Tadea, please don’t go anywhere without telling me. You can go to the bathroom, and you can go see Mama if she invites you itno the office. But do not go into the kitchen or the living room or outside without telling me.”
“I’ll tell you. I want to read to my dolls.”
“Ok.” I kissed the top of her head. She was growing out of them for now. It would change soon enough.
Gene was eyeing me through the smoke.
“Things getting to you? Little things?”
“Maybe. They’re good kids. They take energy.”
“Yup. They’re a handful. Look at me, I’m over hear instead of at home with mine.”
“You’re getting paid. I am at work, and I am…home.”
“I still wouldn’t be you.”
“i think you’d find there’s many more reasons for that than the children.” Gene laughed softly.
“Probably. Well, back to work.”
“Hey, I haven’t finished mine yet.”
“You sit, I’ll work.”
“Agreed.”
I opened the closet door. Why would hse be in the closet? Please be in the closet. I walked into my room, though tadi knew she was only allowed in my room with my permission. Please be on my bed with my jewelry box. I looked at the stairwell door on the other side of my bed. It was unlatched. damn it. why is it unlatched? Those front stairs were too narrow for the kids. I saw tadea in my head at the bottom of those stairs. Her grandmother’s ghost patrolled those stairs. I heard her at night. Checking on the children though their locked door. I swung it open and looked down to the landing. I breathed out. Where the fuck is she? My heart started beating. I walked again through the room. No sign of her anywhere. Not on her bed, not in the bathroom. Not in her mother’s office, not anywhere. I went back downstairs where we were gathering for coffee.
“Stacy, i don’t mean to be alarmist, but I can’t find tadi. I need help finding tadea.”
“What do you mean you can’t find her.”
“She came in to read to her dolls. About an hour ago. She’s not there.”
“Where are the other kids?”
“Cariel and Zachy are down for their naps, Odgy is with Max.” Bonnie sprang up from the couch and started checking all the doownstairs rooms. “I haven’t checked with Carol or Kristen. John and Jennifer are out back getting the fire started for dinner.” David was out the door, running over to Carol’s apartment attached to the barn. Stacy stood up looking dazed. Felicia went out the porch door to ask jennifer and John for help. Within seconds, the house was turned inside out by fifteen sets of hands.
“Where else could she be?”
“She liked the magic spot on the back trail, we have picnics there. I can’t imagine her walking out there on her own, but…” Jennifer came running into the house.
“Laura I need your help. The gate was open to the pond.” the two stripped as they ran back out. Stacy’s breath caught. The world froze, and she tried to find her next breath. Kristen came in and walked over to Stacy.
“Stay, she is here. she doesn’t wander. We will find her.” Stacy moved into the kitchen, leaning against the block crying into her hands. I couldn’t imagine where she was.
“This is so unlike her. She doesn’t ever go off on her own.” I tried to picture what would entice Tadi to do anything she was told not to do by herself. I saw her doll falling into the pond, I saw her stepping in after it. I shoved the thought asside as Laura’s hands shoved through the reeds on the bottom. Jennifer had to come up for more air. I saw David and Carol heading to the path into the hills behind the house. But she would never go there without me or some other member of the company. She had to be in the house. Felicia was upstairs digging through the piles of dress up clothes on the girls’ floor. I twirled aroun, opening doors, checking the attic, pacing in her mother’s office. David saw the picnic spot, todd’s magic place in the grove. Carol looked over the banks of the tiny creek, maybe she had fallen. She looked back toward the farmhouse. White and shining in the sun. It would be a beautiful day.
Stacy was shaking now. Uncontrollably.
“She would not leave without an adult.” Everyone was back in the living room. “She would not take off unless a grown up was with her.”
“Did anyone see the stove guy leave?” There was a sudden inhale and silence.
“Think. Did anyone see the stove guy leave?”
“When was he here?”
“This afternoon, about two he got here.”
“Didi anyone see him leave?” David was struggling to remain calm. But his eyes were wild.
“Oh my god.” Stacy walked over to the phone. She dialed the police. Evryone split again. Checking every inch, every corner, places where only a four year old child could fit, anywhere that might come up with a little girl before that answer. I knew she was in the house.
“I know she’s in the house. She’s somewhere here. i know.” David took my hand and we went back upstairs. We looked behind every box in the attic, we looked on the bunk beds. We looked again in my room, where, under the circumstances I had put down Cari and Zach. I made my way through Stacy’s family room upstairs, into the office. I went down the office stairs to the mudroom and walked through the open door to the kitchen. Stacy was ashen. She was going to be ill. She hung up the phone.
“That was Sears. She had the repairman paged. he didn’t call in from this job yet.” I went outside onto the front porch. gene’s truck pulled up. He stepped out. His hands were calm and steady.
“You’ve checked the pond?”
“Yes.”
“You’ve checked the ouse. In the hampers?” Laura turned to go in
“I got it.”
“The police are on there way. I heard the call over the scanner.” Stacy had made it to the porch. Her eyes were drowned, dim. The world had collapsed, caved in on her. She slumped in a chair.
“Stacy, they always find them. In the damndest of places where only a child could be, and generally, they’re fine.” I knew she was fine. Though my icy lungs weren’t so sure. The police pulled up, with dogs and two cars. They started combing the grounds and the pond, covering steps every one of us had already taken. I went back in the house. Where is she? I went up the stairs again. Laura shrieked.
“She’s here, oh my god, she’s right here.” I ran down the stairs and flew to Stacy, she was standing talking to the police.
“She’s here, she’s with Laura. She found her.”
“Where?”
“Where was she?”
“Is she ok?”
I sat down in the chair and put my head in my hands. I exhaled. I lifted my head to see Gene’s boots coming up the stairs. He came over to me and put his hand on my face.
“See?”
“I knew she was here.”
“She was probably tucked up on her own bed.”
“I’m sorry to get everyone out here, but we really couldn’t find her.”
“No. Nope. Glad to be here. God forbid…” Gene sat down next to me and looked into my eyes. “Any time this family needs help. I’m here.” Here. On this porch on this little road. In this sun.
“Well, that was a smoke.” Gene was on his third strip of molding already, smiling over to me with his eyes.
“Yeah, that was a smoke.”
“See you in a few?”
“Yep.” Gene nodded back and turned back to his work.
“Please don’t Felicia. Not while I’m driving.” Felicia looked at me over her shoulder, her right hand resting on the clasp of the child seat in the back. Her hair fell unbrushed on her maroon chenille sweater. A strand of yarn had snapped and a run was forming down the sleeve.
“He’s going to scream until I hold him…” My hands were damp against the steering wheel. My fingernails had little bits of fuzz stuck to them from the inside of my winter mittens.
“Let him scream then. I don’t want him in the front while I’m driving the car.” My voice was barely audible. Felicia looked at me. So many times we’d had this debate, it was almost a joke now. Almost a sign of familiarity. Shared, common territory.
“Zacky stop it. Staaaaaaaahp it!” Tadea was whining, her hair was caught by Zacky’s fist. She wiggled and hit his hand. Zack started bawling.
“Tadea, no!” Felicia glowered at her niece. “You do not hit Zacky.”
“He was pulling my hair.”
“You’re older than him Todd. You know better than that.”
“I do not.” I looked at her in the rear view mirror. Her cheeks were puffed out in a pout of frustration. She crossed her arms and glared up at me. “I always sit in the middle.”
“Tadea, you can sit next to the window on the way home then.” Zack continued to scream, his face was turning completely red, and snot was streaming over his open mouth. He’s cute, but shit was that kid a whiner. Something told me not to hope he’d grow out of it. Screaming to the point of hyperventilation was something Zach did everyday. Yesterday it had been over the Barbie doll Todd was given for Hanukah.
I have to admit the thing was scary. It was as tall as the average five year old, and was called “My Size Barbie”. When we asked her where the “My Size Barbie” was, she started to cry, not understanding the pronoun. “No she’s mine. Barbie is mine.” She ran upstairs when we laughed at her, understanding she was not old enough to understand, mad we were making fun of her; knowing there was something she didn’t get. Yesterday was the first day Zach ever saw the thing. He toddled into the girls’ room, took one look at the fabricated tan beach bunny and started screaming. I had never heard him cry like that. He was terrified, but it was hard not to laugh. His father ran upstairs, probably expecting Zach to be near death. When he comprehended what Zach was upset about, he picked up his son, and made him sit in the room with Barbie. Up close and personal. Zach’s wails increased.
“David, let him be, he’s scared of it.”
“I can see he’s scared of it. He needs to face his fears and get over it.” David remained seated next to the grotesque doll, his son trembling fiercely on his lap.
“David..He’s picked the right thing to be scared of…”
“You can go now. I can handle this…” I turned away and walked down the stairs to the kitchen. My God. You don’t have to intill your issues on your one and a half year old son. Just because your idea of masculinity is not being scared of a silicon woman….
“Zack, shut up.” Tadea spooke as she gazed at me through the rear view mirror. She was monitoring me for response. Cariel turned her head in from the window and echoed her sister.
“Zackie, sut up.”
I remained silent. Tadea grew puzzled and I turned my face toward the road. I looked at the creek as it passed by to the right, iced branches bending over it’s edges. I looked at the steep hill on the left, knarled by trees which reached out into the road trying to snare me. It rose up out of the dirty snowbanks, and turned into a crystalline daydream. I could stop the car and climb the hill. Just walk away, my boots crunching in the first layer of icy snow; I could spend sunset at the top. Looking over the New England landscape, my breath hitting visible in the winter air. I saw the farm without me. I saw them eating dinner, getting the kids ready for bed, watching the nightly movie as Cariel grew bleary eyed, her head tipping down. “No I not tye-ud. I not tye-ud” And I knew it was possible, though I didn’t get out of the car.
“Zackie, sut up.”
“Cariel,” Todd corrected her sister still watching me in the rear view, “don’t say shut up. It isn’t nice. You have to think of something more creative than that.” I looked as my words came out of her not quite five year old mouth. In that deliberate stare designed to read.
“How about Wizard of Oz?” Felicia suggested too brightly. She turned to me and stuck her finger down her throat. I thought about rolling my eyes. The tape clicked on where we had turned it off.
I used to sing in the car. Tadea had certain favorites of my music. She liked the whoop whoop ladies. The women who sang on one of the songs in Paul Simon’s album “Graceland”. I just liked the chance to sing, loudly. Somehow the kids didn’t seem to mind. It was meditation for me. Imaging I was on a big stage, with an entire audience exhilirated by the sound of my voice. Sometimes the kids sang with me. Then we would sing songs from Mary Poppins. “I love to laugh, ha ha ha ha….long and loud and clear. I love to laugh… ho ho ho ho…it’s getting worse every year.”
“Not that song.” I think Tadea was slightly afraid of those laughs. I don’t know why. She took everything so seriously. MAybe she thought laughing wasn’t worth her time. Maybe she knew the cause and effect had been reversed. something was not natural. “I don’t like that song.”
“Tadea, do you know that everything we do is not necessarily for your pleasure?”
“I’ll get you my pretty…” came the cackling, shrill voice. Tadea screamed.
“NOT THIS PART!!!!! I hate the witch!!!”
“Witz Witz” Cariel emphasized. Felicia hit fast forward.
It took three minutes for them to zone out. I swear I could’ve driven forever. The motion of the car kept them either stoned or asleep. And the beauty of it I had always appreciated? They were, all three of them, tied down. It seemed the perfect solution to me. I wondered if Indian babies ever screamed all tied up in their pappooses. I imagined not. They must have loved it. To be so constantly close to the love and warmth with which they were so familiar.
Felicia was watching me, and I ignored her. I had the fortune to be driving. I stared straight ahead.
“Where do you want to go? Kidsports?”
“We’ve been there twice this week already, aren’t you tired of it?”
“You seem tired.”
“Me? Not really. I’m just…” I trailed off, not wanting to get into it. “I’ve had it. That’s all. I called and got a plane ticket for tomorrow. I’m leaving.”
“You’re leaving tomorrow?”
“Tonight.” I looked at the road. Covered with sand and salt, streaked with dirt.
“Did you tell Stacy yet?”
“No, I didn’t tell Stacy yet. What the hell am I going to say? Sorry your father’s dying, sorry your husband just left you, sorry I’m not giving you any warning, but I’m packing my shit right now and I’ll be out of here before you’re done with dinner? I can’t help her with her shit Felicia. She should be with her children right now. Did it ever occur to her that women do this all the time? That for centuries women have survived being left, they’ve survived the death of their parents, while having to hold down a job, continuing on with their daily lives while taking care of their own children? I already had my divorce, my affairs, my screaming fits, my death in the family. I know it’s a lot to deal with at once, but christ that doesn’t make it my responsiblity. Do you know Tadi called me Mummy the other day? She wasn’t confusing me with anyone. She was all clear on that. She wanted to test the situation, get some definition for what she’s living in.” I saw Tadea pretending not to listen. “It’s not my place to hold her family together while she goes off by herself, or correction, with David, seeking solace. Her girls need her. And what is she doing putting demands on David now anyway? “Oh, you can’t be upsetting Felicia now Caitlin. She’s pregnant.” A: who said women were fragile when they’re pregnant, and B,” I lowered my voice down, “she might think about cutting off the affair she’s been having with your husband, if she’s honestly so worried about it.” My face was wet, and the artificial heat from the car was burning my cheeks. They would be chapped by this evening. I waited for my heart to slow down to normal. “I just can’t do this anymore. I’m not capable. I’m obviously not sane right now, and how good is that when I’m taking care of kids.”
“Caitlin” Felicia took up in that remarkably patient voice she could surprise me with, “you are awfully upset. You haven’t been happy for awhile. This sounds like it will be good for you.” I nodded. “We’ll miss you, but you know what you’re doing.” I nodded again.
I pulled the car into the lot. I shut off the engine. It choked to silence. I watched Felicia as she jumped out of the car.
“Hey guys! We’re at Kidsports! Yeah!” How did it not bother her? What redefinition had she found for herself, for her husband?
David was starting to blur in front of me as I spoke. I looked at the mostly empty bottle of vodka.
“Finish off?” I nodded as he refilled my shot glass. The wood floor underneath me was smooth from use. The smell of clove cigarettes seeped into the barnboard lining the walls and eaves. The room
uThe mudroom was enough to madful. Look at me, I’m over here the walls and eaves. The offive was the smoking lounge for the entire company. The only indoor room we were allowed to smoke in, and even then, not really. Only when the cats were away…
“How long will they be gone do you think?” I didd out of the car.
“Hey guys!
fin’t look at David as I asked. I didn’t like my own intention in asking. David knew what I was getting at I was certain.
“Well, the play started at nine, then there’s the party afterward, Stacy needs to talk to the Director for awhile, arrange some kind of meeting between our companies.”
“Are you all going to train together?”
“I can’t imagine that. Though they seem to be the only ones Stay would want to train with, at least in this country.”
“So…midnight?”
“At least, if not two or three in the morning.” He was watching me, a slight smile on his face. I knew the dangers of this, yet I knew that I wasn’t living in the typical definition of faithfulness and honesty. I saw myself naked with him, on the floor, his hand between my legs. I was wet already…amazing that vodka with David could do that so quickly. the walls and eaves. The officThat , I remembered the nights in Poland, up until dawn with him, everyone asleep, relishing the time I had with adults while the children were sound asleep. David was the only one with whom I felt welcome, cherished. Like I mattered for some other purpose than watching the kids. I enjoyed being bleary with him. It was safe, and nothing was at risk, except perhaps my sexual fantasies.
He was still gazing at me steadily. He was reading my thoughts.
“Ah, well…it would probably upset you huh?”
“What, being intimate with you?”
“You don’t like sex much do you?”
“I don’t like being intimate. Sex isn’t the problem. I don’t like people close to me.”
“You don’t let people get there anyway. You know, no one’s going to seek you out here.”
“Well, I’m not going to just offer, when I don’t feel like anyone really cares.”
“That’s not true caitlin.”
“I don’t see any of the people here wanting to know me, excepting you and the children. And they only know because it’s still instinctual with them, knowing people.”
“You have to try. You can’t expect everyone to go out on limbs to find you.”
“I can. And I do. Sometimes I can’t decipher whether or not I’m welcome. You are all so strange.”
“We’ve been together a long time. We get along the way we like to.” I wondered if Felicia liked his extramarital activities. “We have open relationships for the most part. My wife knows that.” I didn’t know he read me that well.
“I didn’t mean to judge you on that.”
“But you did.”
“It;s hard not to. What am I supposed to think David? What are the kids supposed to think when they see you here in the morning?”
“The kids have asked about it?”
“Todd has, and Cariel acts noticeably different.”
“Then they should talk to Stay about it.” I raised my eyebrows. “It’s not a big secret caitlin.” half You have to jump in with us. Show us you have something creative to add.
I couldn’t begin to fathom that i might be living in one of those families I had heard about. Living with someone, married to someone, and still being with other people.
“It’s not about the sex. it’s about the energy. there’s a spefeic energy that goes with sex. we use that in our training. I wondered if David was encouraging me to train with them. The thought made me laugh in embarassment.
“What?”
“I couldn’t be that free. I would always wonder about who was getting jealous of whom, all that.”
“I’m saying that it’s all part of who we are, or once were…might as well get any sexual tension out of the way, might as well use the energy from it for something positive like our performances.” I closed my eyes and saw his hand slide down between my legs, through the folds of my skirt. I could feel his fingers sliding around..inside me, i could feel him lean his head down, his tongue slipping in and around, touching lightly. I stopped myself abruptly and opened my eyes. This was no good. I was still afraid. The men I had yet been with weren’t men at all. Sex was still part of that masturbation fantasy, it still had expectations attached to it. I couldn’t imagine sex for the fun of it, for the energy of it. David’s eyes were on me. I liked him because he wasn’t afraid to stare. He leaned back against the wall and lit another Djarum.
“More vodka?”
“But of course. Thank you.”
“The numbers are on the fridge, I’ll be calling every night to check on them anyway.” Stacy was putting her address book and brush in her carry-on. “You’ll be fine, right? Is anyone coming over to help you out?”
“Ahmi and then Pele later in the week.”
“Good. Have people over, Caitlin. I’d rather you not be alone, just in case anything happens. Though, please don’t let Pele order them around, I don’t want them getting confused filling different demands from different people.”
“I know. She can be overbearing. I’ll talk to her about it beforehand.”
“Ok. that’s everything.” Stacy turned to the kids, all eating breakfast around the table. She gave them each kisses and hugs and picked up her bag. “Ok. Cele will be calling to check in, so will my father. If you need anything, Gene’s number is on the fridge and Max and Valerie’s.” Max was the theatre’s physical trainer, Valerie his wife: Odgy’s parents. Valerie liked to sit around with us after dinner playing scrabble in the barn.
“I’ll be fine Stay. After POland, this will be a piece of cake.”
“Anything would be after Poland. Alright, I’m off.”
“Safe trip.” The wooden door shut and the last jang of the latch faded away. I turned to the dishes in the sink and listened for the car door to slam. The volvo wagon pulled out of the driveway and rounded the curve outof sight.
“Ok y’all. It’s time for us to go get Ahmi and head toward the playground.”
“Can we climb Caitlin?”
“yes.”
“Can we play princess?”
“You may play at whatever you like, provided you sister and zack are willing to be your loyal subjects.”
“Ok.”
“How about you all head upstairs to get dressed?” Insta-pout from Tadea.
“I want to wear sleeping beauty..”
“Todd, do you want to wear sleeping beauty to bed tonight?”
“yes.”
“then you need to wear clothing to play in, I won’t have you sleeping in dirty nighties.”
“can i wear my red dress and tights?”
“yup.” Tadea lowered herself from the table. Cariel followed suit, taking off across the living room for the stairwell door. Zack wiggled around, wanting to be let down from the high chair. “Hey you two. Clear your places please.” They about faced and came running back to the table. The clatter of plates in the sink