What days these are for me, i have no way to explain them. I konw i am getting better… steadier, closer to the woman i want to be. I am cooking a chicken with lemon thyme and oranges and i think it has come out well. I am taking care of myself, though after years on my own, i still have not figured out how to get ahead of my bills. i have to say… it scares me…
i was disappointed this week, i think. I told my father that i couldn’t see him, that i couldn’t continue any kind of relationship with him. i didn’t know what his expectations were. i felt like the time i broke up with darren. i called him while i was sitting in front of my fireplace, curled up in the heat. i shook as i did it, because i knew what his response was going to be. he would allow it to happen. i just out and told him it was over after a year together and that was it. he was mad, but he didn’t say a word. he hung up the phone. i wanted to see what he would do, so strange and tactical i know. but i know now what i didn’t then.
when jack broke up with me i called him back. many times, and i thought it was because i was weak and it hurt. now i know it was because i was hurt and fighting back. my father didn’t say anything really. whatever i need is fine with him. if i don’t want to talk to him then that’s ok. and oddly i am wondering if it is. he didn’t call me back, he didn’t email. even that unobstrusive means of communication was too much for him.
mom certainly didn’t take well to my bringing him up. i took a stab at ther then, for the life of me i wish i could take it back. i just didn’t want to believe her. i didn’t want to believe that this man who is my father, who raised my sister (if one can call it that), could have been the catalyst in what really was a horrible situation. but how, how could i ever question the only person who has always been on my side. who only in the last five years has started to put herself before me, and even then there’s christmas and birthdays that cost more money than she really has.
i realize that i was happy in my childhood, but it was hard to postpone grieving for the loss of my father. i wonder if i ever understood (until now) that he was really gone for good. the fact that i wanted to be happy to make things lighter for my mother, the fact that i actually was happy, is a testament to her remarkable ability to create stability for me out of nothing but love. to create a home that i never doubted, one i trusted implicitly, a foundation that i stood on, while we had, for much of my childhood, no place that really was our home. i don’t know how she did it. i wonder if i could do the same thing.