The long awaited complete guide to a long, contented life with your K—.
Please Allow Me to Introduce Myself.
Introduction
If you are one who is so blessed as to have a K— with whom to traipse through life, you are already aware of the importance of this guide. A K— is unique in many aspects. Her loyalty and devotion are unparalleled. There are few who can hold a bowl to her wisdom and brilliance. Having a K— occupy your brain is truly a splendorous privilege. If you have selfish tendencies, communicate poorly, listen to the Indigo Chicks incessantly or wear docksiders, you may not be fit to have the blessing of a K— in your life. If you are thinking of being adopted by a K—, you must first find out whether or not you are qualified for the job. Throughout this guide are simple test questions with which to rate yourself against a K—‘s expectations. At the end of the guide you will be asked to tally up your score.
The first order of business is to separate the male from the female. Ideally, you will get along with your K— equally well as a male or female. Unfortunately, and in the opinion of the High Order of the Queen, society tends to do a poor job bringing up its men. K—‘s do make allowances for the few men who show promise or even occassionally accomplishment, like Rob’s, Reggie’s, Rod’s and Richie’s. (Note the R commonality.) If you are, in any case, an unfortunate member of the male subset, please answer those questions designated to you. If you are female, do not for a minute think you have easily escaped or the test of the High Order. There are simply a different book of rules for you .
Male: M
Female: F
Chapter One: The slamified bootified funk on your discus.
M/F
1. Your idea of a fun evening out is:
a) Bowling with Schlitz.
b) Driving in your luxury car, alittle on the bakey side, listening to tunes with a special someone. *
c) At a club, dancing and making eyes at the beautiful babies.
d) Tripping through the New England woods on a summer’s night, in the presence of dear friends..
*If you do not own, or aspire to own, a car with all leather interior, a sunroof and a cd player, you may not choose b.
1. a) A BIG FAT ZERO b) 7 c) 2 d) 9 If you had difficulty choosing between b & d give yourself a total of 12 points for this question.
2. Does cigarette smoke bother you?
a) No.
b) Yes.
c) Circumstantial, depending on environment.
d) It will when I have children.
2. a) 9 (The creators of this document feel they cannot condone smoking with more points than this.) b) 0. Sorry! (health freak…) c) 7. This shows that you are not adverse to nicotine consumption entirely and may indeed be a smoker yourself. d) 10. Consideration for your future and the future of others. Kudos.
3. Do you smoke marijuana?
a) no
b) yes
3. a) 10 points for the K—. NONE FOR YOU! b) any self respecting member of the High Order of Czar knows that convening with the aardvark is as essential to a healthy life as good food, good wine, and good friends.
Beverages.Fun is essential to the happiness of a K—. People are different, and no one is to say that Keystone is not truly the nectar of the Gods. However, in the vision of the High Order, the price tags on beverages are often there for a reason. The ideal beer is a Catamount Double Bock, vodka is only embibed when imported directly from Poland, and Cognac must come in those bottles so expensive you only break them out twice a year for Hot Toddies. Gifts of beverage are considered occassional necessities, say as Christmas gifts. There will be more on this topic in the section on health and healthy eating.
Drugs. There is, in the knowledge of all that is wise, a vast difference between drug use and drug abuse. Those who make that fine distinction are sure to fit in well with the lifestyle required for a K—. Especially if you are prone to sharing the blessings grown and mulled by the mother goddess. Smokable substances are required for light everyday consumption as well as all night parties. If you cannot hold your hit, you will be sadly left out of the Order of Czar. You must know what a carb is, and not be adverse to shotguns between women.
Activities. K—‘s are highly flexible goddesses. They would just as soon have fun lying stoned on the beach, as raving til the break of dawn. They can sit around, drink and smoke in the kitchen, they can go out to an Irish pub and flirt. The place and situation is not as important as the company present. All concerned in the Fun endeavor must be open minded and bright. If you cannot define the word extraneous, then you are such, and may close this book now. You are simply not the right fit. If you are able, however, to enjoy the following situations, then you may be seriously considered for membership into the High Order, given the appropriate training: road tripping, dancing (either out or at home), writing bad poetry, cooking for and with friends (of course this means you are not adverse to doing dishes), snowboarding and concert-going (with the exception of Garth Brooks and the Steve Miller Band reunions).
Chapter 2: I’m fucking beautiful. God I love myself.
Materialism/Image.
M/F
3. Your everyday clothing of choice is designed by.
a) LL Bean
b) Prada
c) Burton
d) Sears
3. a) 6 b) 10 c) 8 d) aah… you lose. If you were torn up over the decision between b & c, give yourself 12 points. If you are one of those unusual few who thought. “Well my God. There’s a time for flannel, a time for silk and a time for loose fitting Gortex. This is not a fair question” give yourself 15 points and pat yourself on the back.
M/F
4. Your everyday jewlery consists of:
a) Gold plated chains dangling in your prominent cleavage or on your hairy chest.
b) Silver with lots of turquiose inlays. You picked it up at a tourist stop in Nevada.
c) Give me a ring from Tiffany’s and a Tagheuer watch, or let me go out bare.
4) a) 0. You really couldn’t have picked a. b) 0. You probably drive a Corolla and don’t get any points for this one either. c) 10 points baby. You live it right.
M
5. In terms of your looks, you rate yourself;
a) After looking in the mirror again, a God among men.
b) I wouldn’t push me out of bed.
c) With alittle cologne and the right attitude, I can catch those looks.
d) Scrubby, but cute.
5. a) Cross yourself off, there is no room for vanity other than that of the High Order.
b) 7 c) 5 d) 3. If you had trouble finding any of the answers appropriate, I’m sorry, but I’m afraid a K— will not take you.
F
6. a) Let me flick my hair in the bathroom mirror one more time.
b) I am adequately stunning.
c) The right clothes do a lot for the figure.
d) Hippy girl, au naturel.
6. a) 0. you ho. b) 9. vain. this is not necessarily a bad thing. c) 7. and it shows that you care, baby! d) patchouli? mmm….. no. one must have a touch of funk.
Chapter 3: A World Within Itself, Its a Language We All Understand.
Music.
M/F
7. My ideal stereo system is:
a) A Sony box.
b) All Aiwa, no phono, and a 1 disc cd player.
c) All Aiwa no phono but a 5 disc changer.
d) Surround sound by Infinity, 100 disc changer by Sony, Receiver and Phono by Onkyo…. oh. do you mean the one in my car or in my house?
7. All points go to letter d. 15.
Now. If you are asking yourself why these music questions are so important, then you shouldn’t even be pondering acceptance into the High Order of Czar. If you are regretting your lack of listening apparatii, it shows that you have goals set inthe right direction. K—‘s know we aren’t all born wealthy, and that hard work and desire can get us everywhere.
8. You think of music as…
a) A necessity.
b) Something to have in the background while fucking or paying your taxes.
c) A spiritual revelation that brings one to all levels of emotion.
d) Your occupation.
8. a) 10. There is only one place for music on the priority list of life. b) 1. You’ve more than likely no idea the difference between a 7/8 beat and 4/4. Out! Out Damn Spot! c) 5. You’d get more, but we didn’t specify drug use context. d) 15. K—‘s love musicians.
M/F
Please answer the following questions:
9. Do the names Anita, Louis, Billy and Ella stop your heart with delight?
10. With what popular group did the Dust Brothers make an album in 1989? What album? What is the name of the Dust Brothers Today?
11. Name all the musical references in bold heading.
12. What was the Smashing Pumpkins first album?
13. What was the first band, not including the founders, who were signed to the Grand Royal label?
14. Do the terms Trance, Goa, Jungle, Drum and Bass, Cyber and Garage mean anything to you? Intimately?
15. Did Mozart complete his requiem mass? Extra points if you include names…
16. What was Dr Alban’s original occupation?
17. Please define the term…. You know, this test could go on for years. So the High Order of Czar will let you pass on without further ado.
Chapter 4: Cut the Bullshit it’s Time to Throw Down.
Relationships
The first chapters of this book were designed to give you a taste of the Order, and perhaps a few small adrenalin rushes. It is now appropriate to move on to topics of more weight. Respect for human relations, no matter the form in which they come, is of utmost importance in the Order of Czar. Truth be told, even if you scored pathetically on the first questions in the book, you may not be out of the running. Far from it. Ruminate on the sections that follow. See how you fare. You may be High Order material yet.
Communication is vital to the health of your K—. It needn’t be daily, needn’t even be weekly (unless you have email). It must only be open and honest. Though K—‘s become cranky if too much has transpired without at least a phone call, their gift of understanding most often overcomes their moods. The key is to keep in touch, and make the moments of contact you have with your K— memorable. This section on communication is where the necessary divergence of the male/female roles takes place.
Gifts are always an acceptable form of communication. Flowers, cd’s, watches, and bongs all fit into this category. (Keep in mind, however, that K—‘s have a tendency toward domestic mobility, and bongs are one of those unfortunate items often broken in transport; consider a pipe.) Care packages containing brownies (hee hee) and bath bubbles are appropriate on a yearly basis. The glory of K—‘s is that they don’t require much financial upkeep (with the exception of plane tickets) and often are quite generous with their own affluence. Contrary to popular belief, K—‘s do They appreciate love sonnets, stories and poetry, paintings and tributes to them on websites
Punk-ass little boy.
Demi-God Adonis.
Flannel Roamer.
Toe fungus.
Sketcher.
I’ll be blowin’ up your pager Daddy… Spam is unacceptable.
Are you feelin’ kinda hungry? Cause my high is comin’ down.
I pick’s my friends like I pick’s my fruit.
Red Beans and Rice.